Three-Step Sanity Check for Communicating Change With Your Kids

When I was divorced, I discussed major moves with my ex that involved both her and our daughters. When I moved from my first apartment to a house, I told her I was moving and what the new contact information would be. When I put the girls into a private school, I talked it over with her first. When they had to go to a dentist and I needed to find one closer to school so they could walk there while I was working, I let her know which one they would be going to. I thought communication was important for the sake of our children.

That is one aspect of family living after divorce that has to be addressed: communicating changes. Your ex is not the only one who needs good communication, however. Your kids need it too, especially if you are the parent with whom the children live. In corporate America at one of the companies I worked for, when an executive decision was made, the Senior Staff ran that decision through what they called a Sanity Check:

1. Does this make sense?

2. Who else needs to know?

3. Who will be affected by this decision?

You might consider adopting these three questions when you are making a decision in your life and the lives of your children now that you are divorced. If you can answer "Yes" to "Does this make sense?" does that mean it makes sense only to you? Have you run it by a mentor or parent or wise friend? Would an adult friend at work give you the green light? I know we all think that our decisions are like crystal, but others might not see the same clarity you do. If you run your decision by others, they might help you shine more light on it.

Who else in the life of you, your children, and your ex's family and friends needs to be taken into consideration? Have you informed that set of grandparents? Does this involve the child's school in any way? Have you told the school? What about your childcare provider? Will your decision affect them? It's nice to give as many people as you can proper notice so they can weave the change into their own plans?

Who will be affected by this decision? Is it a good affect or not? Universal good means the greatest good for the greatest number and I hope you'll operate under that auspice. How will the child be affected? Since their good is tantamount, consideration about their good should be high up on the list.

When you find yourself planning major moves that will alter your life and the lives of your kids when you're divorced, I don't think it's wise to run these ideas by children under the age of 12. They don't process change easily and they may still be recovering from the changes forced on them by the divorce, so if you can do your processing out of sight or earshot from them, it would be a great kindness. You can plan when and how to tell them after you reach a decision. I always thought that communication with my ex was important though and worked to make that happen for the sake of my kids.

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In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com