When I was divorced, I discussed major moves with my ex that involved both her and our daughters. When I moved from my first apartment to a house, I told her I was moving and what the new contact information would be. When I put the girls into a private school, I talked it over with her first. When they had to go to a dentist and I needed to find one closer to school so they could walk there while I was working, I let her know which one they would be going to. I thought communication was important for the sake of our children.
That is one aspect of family living after divorce that has to be addressed: communicating changes. Your ex is not the only one who needs good communication, however. Your kids need it too, especially if you are the parent with whom the children live. In corporate America at one of the companies I worked for, when an executive decision was made, the Senior Staff ran that decision through what they called a Sanity Check:
1. Does this make sense?
2. Who else needs to know?
3. Who will be affected by this decision?
You might consider adopting these three questions when you are making a decision in your life and the lives of your children now that you are divorced. If you can answer "Yes" to "Does this make sense?" does that mean it makes sense only to you? Have you run it by a mentor or parent or wise friend? Would an adult friend at work give you the green light? I know we all think that our decisions are like crystal, but others might not see the same clarity you do. If you run your decision by others, they might help you shine more light on it.
Who else in the life of you, your children, and your ex's family and friends needs to be taken into consideration? Have you informed that set of grandparents? Does this involve the child's school in any way? Have you told the school? What about your childcare provider? Will your decision affect them? It's nice to give as many people as you can proper notice so they can weave the change into their own plans?
Who will be affected by this decision? Is it a good affect or not? Universal good means the greatest good for the greatest number and I hope you'll operate under that auspice. How will the child be affected? Since their good is tantamount, consideration about their good should be high up on the list.
When you find yourself planning major moves that will alter your life and the lives of your kids when you're divorced, I don't think it's wise to run these ideas by children under the age of 12. They don't process change easily and they may still be recovering from the changes forced on them by the divorce, so if you can do your processing out of sight or earshot from them, it would be a great kindness. You can plan when and how to tell them after you reach a decision. I always thought that communication with my ex was important though and worked to make that happen for the sake of my kids.
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In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est divorce. Afficher tous les articles
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est divorce. Afficher tous les articles
Help Kids To Express Their Feelings When You Are Getting A Divorce
You've gotten a divorce. It might feel like the end of the world for you, but you do have all the years of your life where you learned a few coping skills to lean back on. Your children don't have those years of experience, and your divorce may be seen as one huge trauma by them. Life isn't as they have experienced it. One of their parents is gone from their daily life.
They will eventually learn to cope, and here are some tips for you to use immediately to help them get their feelings outside of their minds so the coping can begin.
1. Initiate Play With Them. Children love to play and in their games, they can be encouraged via your questions to tell you how they are feeling. Be considerate and accepting. Don't try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.
2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons, paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Frequently their feeling is hiding behind their words.
3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless he asks a specific question only you can answer.
4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read the book together.
5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. You can share how it makes you feel and this way, he'll learn to identify his own feelings.
6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type magazines and look through them together with your child to discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Point them out to him and ask if he's ever felt that way about your divorce.
7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the feeling in his body and how did it feel there?
8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings as you play.
9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic, but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.
10. Show Empathy for his plight. Children have lost a lot of control because their parents decided to divorce. You can tell him you realize he might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you can help him regain a sense of control.
11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off pent up emotions. Physical activity will allow them to get rid of any tension they might be feeling and once that's let go of, they will be much better able to cope with the next thing that lands in their laps.
12. Provide Continuity. Divorce is an enormous change for a child and children don't like change. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same; household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.
Your children come first and they are worth every effort you can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've made every effort to provide the best for them.
----------------------------------------------------
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
They will eventually learn to cope, and here are some tips for you to use immediately to help them get their feelings outside of their minds so the coping can begin.
1. Initiate Play With Them. Children love to play and in their games, they can be encouraged via your questions to tell you how they are feeling. Be considerate and accepting. Don't try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.
2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons, paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Frequently their feeling is hiding behind their words.
3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless he asks a specific question only you can answer.
4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read the book together.
5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. You can share how it makes you feel and this way, he'll learn to identify his own feelings.
6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type magazines and look through them together with your child to discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Point them out to him and ask if he's ever felt that way about your divorce.
7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the feeling in his body and how did it feel there?
8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings as you play.
9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic, but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.
10. Show Empathy for his plight. Children have lost a lot of control because their parents decided to divorce. You can tell him you realize he might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you can help him regain a sense of control.
11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off pent up emotions. Physical activity will allow them to get rid of any tension they might be feeling and once that's let go of, they will be much better able to cope with the next thing that lands in their laps.
12. Provide Continuity. Divorce is an enormous change for a child and children don't like change. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same; household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.
Your children come first and they are worth every effort you can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've made every effort to provide the best for them.
----------------------------------------------------
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
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